MW 'She's kept him afloat': I'm 78 and leaving my daughter my life savings, but her partner is unemployed and doesn't pay rent. What do I do?

By Quentin Fottrell

'He keeps losing jobs and going on unemployment'

Dear Quentin,

I would like to leave the bulk of my savings to my daughter when I pass.

I'm 78 years old and I live very frugally. I am presently divorced. I live on Social Security and a couple of pensions. I presently have a couple of hundred thousand dollars in a CD term account that pays me about $850 a month in interest income. I would prefer to leave the account for now in this account and use the extra income for my own living expenses.

Right now, my daughter is in the medical field, has a very good income and she is very stable with her finances. Unfortunately for her she lives with a partner her own age (41) who has a history of very poor credit and money management. He has no car because of his credit and no savings. He keeps losing jobs and going on unemployment.

She has kept him afloat for three years, paying all the bills, groceries and day-to-day expenses. He never pays for rent. He does turn his paychecks over to her when he does manage to get paid. I want to leave it for her so when she's 55 she can use the money for her retirement and not use it to continue to fund things for him.

How do I leave my savings to her without him being able to touch it?

The Father

Related: 'I've dealt with verbal, emotional and financial abuse for many years': I'm 48 and my husband is 84. I need a job and want out of this marriage.

Dear Father,

For married couples, inheritance is separate property.

But your daughter's situation is complicated. She is married in everything but name. You can give her the money and advise her to keep the money separate, caution her against marrying someone who has difficulty making ends meet and who needs to lean on her financially, ask her if she believes he is the best choice for her. Many people are, simply, afraid of being alone.

Alternatively, you can set up a trust for your daughter, with specifications about how the money should be used and/or a monthly income so it can be used all at once for ill-judged reasons (that is, to dig her partner out of a hole). But estate planning is also, more than anything, an opportunity to look at the present and talk about the future.

So sit down with your daughter and ask her some big questions: Is this a man she would like to have children with, assuming she wants to have kids? Does she see their circumstances changing? That would, after all, require him to change, and a leopard in constant debt doesn't always change its spots, it just buys more spots and puts them on a credit card.

This is the last thing you need to be dealing with, worrying about what will happen to your daughter after you've gone because of her choice of partner. Sometimes, readers tell me they are frequently shocked and bewildered at the amount of stories in the annals of this column that concern family finance and romance.

A leopard who relies on others to pay their bills doesn't change their spots, they just buy more spots and put them on a credit card.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: The decision to buy a house or a car is not the biggest financial decision you will make in your lifetime, it's your choice of partner, especially if you live together, commingle your finances and/or marry. After that, the decision to go to college and choice of major is another decision that gets overlooked as a financial turning point.

Your daughter has chosen a man who is unable or unwilling to pay his way, but she is earning a good living in the medical field. She should be aware of the "sunken-cost fallacy" and how she may be experiencing it from the inside: She has put so much time and effort into this relationship, that it seems easier or a better bet to stick with it, even if it's not working out.

If you go the trust route, you will need to find a good trustee who is trustworthy, has good judgment, and the ability to be fair and objective. Above all, you will need someone who is committed to the job. It's not for the faint of heart. You may be some of these things, but it's clear that you are too embedded in the family drama to take on this job.

Check in with her regularly, and don't be afraid to ask her the big questions and/or have the big conversations. If she imagines her retirement, is her current partner part of that sandcastle in the sky? Sometimes, a statement like "I love you and I want you to be happy. I hope you're happy, but you know I'm always here if you want to talk" is enough to plant a seed.

Related: 'She's the queen of CDs': My mother-in-law, 83, opened 12 CDs at different financial institutions. Should I intervene?

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.

The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:

'I wish Dad were here': I received $500,000 after my late father's wrongful-death lawsuit. My adviser suggests annuities. How do I invest it?

'I became very frugal': My husband and I are 40. I have $200,000 in student debt, while he has $600,000 in retirement savings. Are we in trouble?

'I keep hearing about break-ins in my neighborhood': Should I keep valuable items in a safe-deposit box? What are my options?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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April 21, 2025 07:01 ET (11:01 GMT)

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